Saturday 25 June 2016

Why bulimia had to go?

This is a difficult post for me to write. I've been bulimic for 22 years and nobody really knew about this. I only told my sister some years ago and my husband but then we never came back to this as I resisted any talk about food and the way I eat.
I will not give you the whole history of why, how and what got me into it in the first place. It's enough to know bulimia knocked the door of my mind when I was 12 and she stayed with me since then, becoming my best friend and my worst enemy. It affected practically all my life. 
People can see me in general as a successful person. Back in Poland I graduated from Economics University as a Master of Accounting and Finance. I learned English, I moved to Ireland where I did another school to have a good job in here. I got a good job and then I was promoted twice. Apart from that I finished quite few respectful ultramarathons. I became one of the leaders in the church I go to. I'm happily married to a wonderful man. All good, right?
But most of these things happened just somehow on the way. It was always like having two lives: the everyday life where I smiled to people and played my roles and my secret bulimia life. And my mind was so often in the second one. For example while sitting in a class room I barely paid attention to what a professor was saying, I was more occupied by what I will eat later on and will I have a chance to get rid of this. Sad but true.

Take the very fact why I started running in the first place. It was to deal with my weight, nothing more. And my races? Always the same pattern: few weeks before the race I would almost starve myself, throwing up every night just to feel lighter on the race day. During race of course I wouldn't have much energy and normally I would be disappointed with my finish time. Few times I had to walk as I was so dehydrated that I was painfully peeing blood every few minutes. And I knew why is that happening. And after the race I wot loose it totally and stuff myself with everything I could think of. So my 7 years of running were not much about running. I was lucky to run in some beautiful places and yet I wasn't really happy. Bulimia could find me everywhere.
So what happened? Why I decided to change my life now? Well, after one of the runs I did in April this year I just looked at my picture from the race and saw that I don't look like a happy runner that just crossed the finish line few minutes ago. I looked like I wanted to say:"ok, now let's go home ". And then I was thinking how tired I am with all this endless battle. And that in few months I will turn 35 and this is really time to decide if I'm going to waste my life like that or I will finally wake up.
I had the same turning point thoughts some years ago when I was quitting smoking. I was just so tired with this. But fighting eating disorder is harder. You don't need to smoke to live but you still need to eat. 
It's a learning process. I am a vegetarian since few years but it doesn't mean I've been eating healthy. So now my focus is on eating clean food, watching my meal times and hydrate my body properly. I try not to step on a scale too often. I know I shouldn't. It's about having a good energy, renewing my mind and the way I think about food and myself, and finally it's about finding a real joy in my run. And to have this better, real life bulimia had to go.

Sunday 12 June 2016

Difference between previous ultras and the one I did yesterday.



I ran 100 km yesterday and this was my first ultra since I switched to clean eating. So what is the difference? Let's go step by step.

1. I felt great and really happy standing on the start line. 
I ate a big bowl of fruits with some chia seeds 2 hours before the race and drank some water. I felt really energetic. This gave me as much calories as pre-race breakfast I used to have but eating fresh, live food will simply give you more than calories intake, it will boost your mood as well.

In the past I would drink a coffee and then eat some rice cakes with peanut butter and jam or porridge with banana and honey - quite heavy stuff on your stomach, no wonder I had problems quite often with going on sides during a race. And even when I didn't I still felt quite heavy.

2. I didn't eat any processed food during the race but ran it on fruits.
During all 13 hours I ate a few bananas, 8 pouches with mashed organic fruits (the ones you can buy for small children), few pieces of oranges, few slices of watermelon and 1 liter of coconut water. I was amazed how good I felt. Although I didn't make a great time I had no energy us and downs - it stayed constant and I felt quite fresh until the end. (I would probably go faster if not the fact my legs were already tired after a hard long mountain run I did previous Saturday. As this race was not my main focus but rather a training run I didn't care much about the time - I'm just saying that it was not the food but other factors). Even after the race I felt good and others actually made comments on how fresh and full of energy I still am.

Comparing to the past - I used to eat rice cakes again with peanut butter, rolls with cheese and coke. And this never worked well in the long distance. This food made me feel sluggish and quite heavy. It didn't give much energy after all despite of large amount of calories. I remember after each race I just wanted to eat something hot and not sweet. Which brings me to another point.

3. Eating after the race.
When I finished I changed my clothes, talked to guys and finally it was time to go back home. I didn't feel much like I wanted to eat anything but this is normal just after a very long run. I waited a bit and then I had two pieces of vegan bars that I made a day before and a banana. Later my husband wanted to pick an ice-cream for himself so we arrived at a tank station. Shelves were packed with everything you shouldn't eat whether you are vegan or not - chocolate bars, crisps, cookies, fizzy drinks - all this stuff that just give you bunch of bad sugars and nothing more. I grabbed only mango smoothie and drank it later before going to sleep.

On the way back my husband also wanted to step in to one of fast food stores in the well known chain of restaurants that he used to work for. Just to see if there is anybody he knows to have a chat. And there was one girl he knew so we sat down for a few minutes. In the past we would go anyway to have a pizza but now it was for social reasons only. I was shivering as after each long race - when tiredness kicks in your immune system is weakened and it is quite normal you feel cold. I ordered a cup of freshly made soup while they were talking. I realized when looking at the menu that there is nothing apart from this soup that I would potentially eat. All other things were just pure fat or sugar. And I actually felt good about this. This means that went far enough not to crave any fries, veggie burgers or pizza. This cup of soup was enough to warm me up.

4. A day after.
Well, I feel my legs are tired but overall I feel great. I drink as much water as I possible can to flush out of my body all toxins that are created from muscles fatigue. I would actually go for a run if not few blisters that I want to sort first. But surely I will go to a swimming pool this afternoon.
Which is another difference as in the past I was simply dying after long race. Not really wanting to do anything. And very often eating a lot of junk food and sweets to "award" myself. And such food obviously made all the matters worse. I don't crave these anymore. I feel great and want this to stay that way.

And I'm going now to treat myself witch smoothie that I will make from mangoes, bananas, spinach and fresh orange juice.

EAT CLEAN.  IT REALLY WORKS.

Pami.


Thursday 9 June 2016

35 to 35

It is 35 days today to my 35th birthday. Perfect time to set my live to a better course.
Facts:
I am bulimic since 22 years.
I am kind-a-runner for last 7 years.
I am vegetarian since 3 years.

It is time for me to re-think my life and what I want to do. I want to become a strong, free from food addictions, and most importantly - a happy runner.

My running so far is everything but happy. I started as an easy way to loose some weight. Obviously, weight was always an issue. Quite soon I turned into marathons and ultras but never really found happiness in it. As I was still grabbed by my bulimic habits.

The same with being vegetarian. OK, I excluded meat and fish from my diet but still ate a lot of bad stuff, like sweets, fried foods, processed foods etc.

I want to eat clean. For the last month I cut on bread and cheese and I noticed I after few days of feeling that I'm lacking something I actually started to feel great. I ate more and more fruits and veggies. This gives me so much energy - I never expected that.

This is an initial post just to say what it is all about. The coming ones will be about clean eating, free running and living life to the fullest - in harmony of body, mind and spirit.

Peace.