Why bulimia had to go?

This is a difficult post for me to write. I've been bulimic for 22 years and nobody really knew about this. I only told my sister some years ago and my husband but then we never came back to this as I resisted any talk about food and the way I eat.

I will not give you the whole history of why, how and what got me into it in the first place. It's enough to know bulimia knocked the door of my mind when I was 12 and she stayed with me since then, becoming my best friend and my worst enemy. It affected practically all my life. 

People can see me in general as a successful person. Back in Poland I graduated from Economics University as a Master of Accounting and Finance. I learned English, I moved to Ireland where I did another school to have a good job in here. I got a good job and then I was promoted twice. Apart from that I finished quite few respectful ultramarathons. I became one of the leaders in the church I go to. I'm happily married to a wonderful man. All good, right?

But most of these things happened just somehow on the way. It was always like having two lives: the everyday life where I smiled to people and played my roles and my secret bulimia life. And my mind was so often in the second one. For example while sitting in a class room I barely paid attention to what a professor was saying, I was more occupied by what I will eat later on and will I have a chance to get rid of this. Sad but true.

Take the very fact why I started running in the first place. It was to deal with my weight, nothing more. And my races? Always the same pattern: few weeks before the race I would almost starve myself, throwing up every night just to feel lighter on the race day. During race of course I wouldn't have much energy and normally I would be disappointed with my finish time. Few times I had to walk as I was so dehydrated that I was painfully peeing blood every few minutes. And I knew why is that happening. And after the race I wot loose it totally and stuff myself with everything I could think of. So my 7 years of running were not much about running. I was lucky to run in some beautiful places and yet I wasn't really happy. Bulimia could find me everywhere.

So what happened? Why I decided to change my life now? Well, after one of the runs I did in April this year I just looked at my picture from the race and saw that I don't look like a happy runner that just crossed the finish line few minutes ago. I looked like I wanted to say:"ok, now let's go home ". And then I was thinking how tired I am with all this endless battle. And that in few months I will turn 35 and this is really time to decide if I'm going to waste my life like that or I will finally wake up.

I had the same turning point thoughts some years ago when I was quitting smoking. I was just so tired with this. But fighting eating disorder is harder. You don't need to smoke to live but you still need to eat. 

It's a learning process. I am a vegetarian since few years but it doesn't mean I've been eating healthy. So now my focus is on eating clean food, watching my meal times and hydrate my body properly. I try not to step on a scale too often. I know I shouldn't. It's about having a good energy, renewing my mind and the way I think about food and myself, and finally it's about finding a real joy in my run. And to have this better, real life bulimia had to go.